Over the years,  I have seen the delight that young children get from transgressing ‘forbidden words’, mostly  ones to do with toilets.

I decided to join in, so I re-wrote some favourite nursery rhymes to incorporate some of these words.

Strangely, what started out as a lark ended up with some serious points to make.

Below I have listed the original nursery rhyme followed by my version.

Where does it come from 1: Family Muffet
(Little Miss Muffet)

This is a common-enough story.

Little Miss Muffet

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
There came a big spider
That sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away

Family Muffet

Family Muffet
Packed all the stuff it
Would need for a holiday.
Instructions from Dadda
“Please empty your bladder.”
“And then we will get on our way.”

Where does it come from 2: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six

(One two three four five)

 

One two three four five

One two three four five
Once I caught a fish alive
Six seven eight nine ten
Then I put it back again
     Why did you let it go?
Because it bit my finger so.
      Which finger did it bite?
This little finger on the right.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six.

“Ten, nine, eight, seven, six.”
“Don’t want leakage in my nicks.”
“Five, four, three, two, one.”
“Off to the bathroom I must run.”
       “Where did you let it flow?”
“In the toilet bowl you know.”
       “How did it make you feel?”
“Keeping you nicks dry is ideal.”

Where does it come from 3: The poo in the bowl

(The wheels on the bus)

 

The wheels on the bus

The wheels on the bus go round and round,
round and round,
round and round,
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
All over town.

The poo in the bowl

The poo in the bowl goes round and round,
Round and round,
Round and round.
The poo in the bowl goes round and round,
Then down the hole.

 

Where does it go— full treatment: On Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
(Old MacDonald had a farm)

This describes the processes involved in fully treating sewage. I got these details from a description of the treatment plant in Melbourne.

Old MacDonald had a farm

Old MacDonald had a farm
Ei ii ee ii oh
And on that farm he had some ducks
Ei ii ee ii oh
With a quack quack here
A quack quack there
Here a quack
There a quack
Everywhere a quack quack
Old MacDonald had a farm
Ei ii ee ii oh

Et cetera

On Old MacDonald’s sewage farm

On Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh
Strainers catch what isn’t poo
Ei ii ee ii oh.
With a slosh slosh here
And a slosh slosh there.
Here a slosh,
There a slosh,
Everywhere a slosh slosh.
Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh.

On Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh
Bacteria eat up the poo
Ei ii ee ii oh.
With a bubble bubble here,
And a bubble bubble there.
Here a bubble,
There a bubble,
Everywhere a bubble bubble.
Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh.

On Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh
Filters make the water clean
Ei ii ee ii oh.
With a squish squish here,
And a squish squish there.
Here a squish,
There a squish,
Everywhere a squish squish.
Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh

On Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh
Disinfectants kill the bugs
Ei ii ee ii oh.
With ozone here,
And uv there.
Ozone.
uv.
And a dose of chlorine.
Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh.

On Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh
Water is quite safe to use
Ei ii ee ii oh.
For farming here
For gardens there
Washing cars
Washing clothes
And for flushing toilets.
Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh.

On Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh
Birds will gather in a flock
Ei ii ee ii oh.
With a screech screech here,
And a cry cry there.
Here a screech,
There a cry,
Everywhere a screech cry.
Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh

On Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh
Some of what is left is spread
Ei ii ee ii oh.
On a forest here,
And on farm land there,
Here a use,
There a use,
All the rest in land-fill.
Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh.

On Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh
Everything is well maintained
Ei ii ee ii oh.
With certificates here,
And certificates there.
Certificates,
Certificates,
Everywhere certificates
Old MacDonald’s sewage farm
Ei ii ee ii oh.

Personal health 1: Now you’re fifty
(Baa Baa Black sheep)

The Australian (Commonwealth) Government provides free bowel cancer screening for people over 50 years old. To make it reliable three samples are taken on three successive days.

Baa baa black sheep

Baa baa black sheep
Have you any wool
Yes sir, yes sir three bags full.
One for my master
One for my dame
And one for the little boy who lives down the lane

Now you’re fifty

Now you’re fifty
Did you check your stool?
Yes sir, yes sir; three test rule:
One starts the data
One builds the set
And one so statistics are the best we can get.

Personal health 2: Wash your hands (If you’re happy and you know it)

If you’re happy and you know it

If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands.
If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands.
If you’re happy and you know it and you really want to show it
If you’re happy and you know it clap your hands.

When you’ve finished, take the time

When you’ve finished, take the time to wash your hands.
When you’ve finished, take the time to wash your hands.
When you’ve finished take the time,
That you need to wash off slime.
When you’ve finished, take the time to wash your hands.

Environment 1: Fishy business

(Original)

It always seems quite strange to me
That fishy toilets are the sea.
So, when fish swim, they’re swimming through
The waters where they pee and poo.
Now wild fish poo’s dispersed for miles
But caged fish poo builds up in piles.
So
Wild fish poo won’t harm the oceans;
Fish farm poo can cause commotions.

Environment 2: Sprinkle sprinkle little pee

(Twinkle twinkle little star)

 

Twinkle twinkle little star

Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky
Twinkle twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are

Sprinkle sprinkle little pee

Sprinkle sprinkle little pee
Hid behind a trackside tree.
In the bush, to pee’s alright
But it’s best if out of sight.
Sprinkle sprinkle little pee
Hid behind a trackside tree.

Environment 3: Must not throw your poo

(Row row, row, your boat)

 

Row, row, row your boat

Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
Life is but a dream.

Must not throw you poo

Must not throw your poo
In the nearest stream.
Legally, Legally, Legally, Legally.
Keep our rivers clean.

Where does it go — partial treatment (eg Malabar): Did a poo

(Ding dong bell)

 

Ding dong bell

Ding dong bell
Pussy’s in the well
Who put her in
Little Tommy thin
Who pulled her out
Little Johnny stout
What a naughty boy was that
Who tried to drown poor pussy cat
Who never did him any harm
But chased up all the mice in the farmer’s barn

Did a poo;

Did a poo;
Flushed it down the loo.
Where did it go?
Took a downhill flow.
Out to the coast;
This we choose the most.
For it’s cheap to pump offshore,
Which tends to please us more,
Though perhaps the cheapest price
Can mean a nearby beach isn’t always nice.